fallen to deep and can’t get out now. what do you do in this kind of situation? you now can’t just walk away, walk away from everything that you have created. all the memories will fill your head forever. you don’t want to let go because that person is all you no. you think about the past without them and then you look at how things have changed with them. you think to yourself it’s never going to be the same. you’ll cry yourself to sleep because you miss that person. you’ll miss their company. but what do you do when you know your relationship has already fallen apart? what do you do when all you think about is the wrong? are you a afraid of change? what are you afraid of?

I sit here everyday alone trying to figure out what I want too type. Trying to just let it all out and how I truly feel, but it’s a lot harder to type it down when you got it all jumbled around in your head. I’m emotionless, psychotic, and cold hearted but I live with it. Yet, I silently cry every night because of things that I have done. It’s not easy to walk around pretending like you’re happy; happy with yourself or what you got in life. Fake laughs, smiles, and conversation that you could careless to talk about with others. It’s like walking around with this deep secret of lies. People look at me and say; you got it good. Grew up in the perfect neighborhood, drive the perfect car, have a perfect job that pays good, and things that people would die for. Image isn’t everything because until you know that person inside and out, you’ll know what kind of person they truly are.

I live a life where I constantly try to surround myself with people not to feel lonely, when those people I could careless about, a life hoping and regretting, a life where little things will set me off, a life where I will completely shut down, a life trying to find myself every fucking day, a life where that little high counts just so i can’t feel anything, a life where I don’t understand myself or ever will, a life where one day i’ll wake up and this is all just a dream. I just live one mother fucking confusing stupid ass life. 

I don’t let people get attached to me because in the long run, I bring them down with me when I don’t mean to. I push people away because they don’t deserve to get close to someone like me. It doesn’t matter what kind of person they may be, someone who is trying to “save” me, someone who is just trying to “love” me, or someone that is just to be there for me. I ask myself why does everyone always leave me? It’s not them its because who I am, I’m the one to blame. Someone that amazing, and is willingly to put so much effort into me doesn’t deserve to be with someone who is just going to hurt them constantly in the long run. They deserve a person who is willingly do anything for them, treat them like a king or queen, everyday and second of their lives.

I don’t look for perfection in anyone, just a personaility that i can fall in love with. Perfection isn’t real or ever will be. There will always be something wrong even if its the smallest things but if you were to look at someone they have many flaws, flaws you may not notice but they do. So when someone say they want to be “perfect” or look “perfect” I look at them like; you’re stupid, don’t talk to me. Without those imperfection and flaws, that would make you a nobody. People will always be good enough for me because anyone that wants to be in my life is already good enough for me, its actually the other way around. Am I good enough for them? But one particular person will always be good enough for me no matter what. 

There is this girl who is in love with me. She would do anything for me. Drop to her knees for me. How can a beautiful girl with such great ambition fall for a person like me? A person that doesn’t know where he’s going in life? When she “could have anyone she wanted.” but its funny how she’s the one to say he’s just a “friend” when there’s a story behind it all. She said I don’t know her, i laughed. I know her better than she knows herself. She wears her heart on her sleeve. She has great ambitions. She dreams big but not sure how to get there. She the type of girl to chase after something she wants. She’s the girl that will cry herself to sleep because she had a bad day. She’s the type of girl that will go out of her way to please someone. She’s insecure and self conscious. She worries about how she looks and flaws that people don’t even notice. She’s the type of girl that is willingly to make changes on her body which would probably make her look hideous. Yeah, she’s that girl.

Now, now I’m fucking pissed. I don’t give a shit who they are or what they are. Everything else with it, fuck that. 

And i’m just this fucking guys.
I’m just utterly fucking insane. 
Just trying to get through life waiting for my day.